life of thoughtful death
by lonley-ecstasy
Summary: Heero begins questioning the way he's not attracted to woman that much. While his questions remain unanswered he becomes troubled by his past, finding comfort and romance in the most unsuspecting places.


-life of thoughtful death

-chapter 1

After all those innocent lives I killed, people look on me with respect. Those who look me in the eye, and fear me, are seeing me for what I really am. I'm nothing more than a monster. And these people, who look at me and fear me, i don't blaim them. I'm a disgrace to those who died in honor, who died in battle fighting with good will. while I killed so many helpless people.I knew it wasn't something neccesary, but I did it anyways. I know nothing but war. And as I sit here today with a life of regret behind me, only four other people can understand this. Duo, Trowa, Quatre, and Wufei-the other four gundam pilots. My friends-my family-the only people that understand me.

"Heero" I hear a distant voice calling my name, repeating it as it becomes clearer. "Heero!" Some one shakes my shoulder as i jerk back into reality. "Day dreaming again, huh?" the familiar voices says to me. "No, just thinking." I reply "Oh? About what, might i inquire?" Duo says to me smiling, "Relena?" The way he said Relena...All of the pilots are convinced i'm that Relena and I are destined to be together. But there's something about her that makes me want to throw her through a wall everytime she says my name. "What must i do to convince you that we aren't in love? You know how I feel about her." I say smoothly. Duo just smiles more and replies with a perky voice "That's love." I sigh loudly, and look up at Duo. "It's hopeless, isn't it. I'm never going to get you and everyone else to believe that I don't have feelings for her." He looks me in the eyes and says "That's because we all know you do." I shake my head and stare down at the table "Mm..." I'm defeated. There's no way they're ever going to believe me...right?

"Working again, i see." Quatre's voice echoes through the apartment. I turn around to see him standing in the door way. "Why is it, you're so attatched to your work?" I'm slightly startled by this type of question. Why am i so attatched to my work...In truth, i don't know the answer to his question. "Not so much attatched...Well, ok maybe i am just a bit. But, why is it that you never seem to knock?" Quatre gives a light chuckle and walks into the room, closing the door behind him. "I guess i don't, do I?" I smile and turn back to my computer. "Just noticing this now, are you?" "I suppose. Where has Duo gone off to?" I stop typing and stare at the of my laptop, trying to remember where he said he was going. "If I remember correctly, he said he was going clubbing." "Ah, has he got a date then?" "I'd assume so, he didn't really tell me much. If you're looking for him, try one of the down town clubs. I'm not sure of any names of them, but he's a regular at a few." The room is silent for a moment. I turn around, Quatre's standing there i'm guessing that he's thinking, by that look on his face. Slowly he turns around. "Leaving so soon are you?" he looks back at me and nods "Yeah, I think I know where Duo's gone. I'll drop by tomorrow." "Ok, luck finding him." Quatre walks towards the door as I turn around to face my once computer again. The door shuts softly, and Quatre's foot steps echo in the hall, and eventually fade. I'm curious as to why he was looking for Duo, and how he knew where he went...maybe I should've asked.

I wake up to the smell of fresh coffee from the kitchen. Slowly I begin to roll out of bed and onto the floor. Hope he didn't hear that. I stand up and walk to the door, opening it and walking out. Duo's bedroom door is open, yet he obviously isn't in there. I begin to walk down the hall towards the main room. About half way down the hall I hear Duo's voice. Who is he talking to? He's singing...What the hell...? I continue to walk rather slowly into the main room. Duo's sitting at the dining table with his eyes closed, head moving back and forth as he sings whatever song he's singing. "Duo?" I ask. He opens his eyes as he stops singing, and looks up at me. "Morning Heero, sorry about the singing." He says cheerfully. Duo's smiling...and it makes me want to smile too...what is this..."It's fine. But, what exactly were you singing?" Duo now looks deep into my eyes. His smile...Why does it have this effect on me? "The song, is something that they taught us when I lived at the orphanage. We'd sing it everytime something good happened...When we were happy." I look down at him and smile. I close my eyes "Sing it again..." Duo begins his song over again. I begin to think of all my happy memories...But I find, the happiest memories I have, are the worst I've ever had.

My eyes open fast "Duo..." Duo stops singing and looks up at me. "Is something wrong?" He replies with a worried voice. "That song, is it supposed to remind you of happy things?" Duo nods and answers "Yeah, why do you ask?" I'm silent for a moment before I answer him, thinking of how I should word what I want to tell him. "The only happy memories I have, are when I'm piloting the Wing Zero. In war. Killing the innocent. The undeserving of death..." Duo slowly stands up. I have to look away. His smile is faded. His face is no longer bright and happy. He walks over to me, not saying a word. I close my eyes...What's happening with me? I feel Duo's arms wrap aorund me in a hug. This feeling...What is this. I want to see him smile. I can't bare to see him look so sad, and concerned because of me. Tears begin to run down my cheek as I wrap my arms around him. 


End file.
